I am Ok. Well. Kind of.

Hello internet,

Today is Friday June 22, 2018, and it is currently 10:54 PM. So, to my surprise, quite a few people reached out to me after reading my previous blog. First of all, hi who are you and why are you reading this?  But also, thanks. I got a couple of really heart felt anonymous emails, that left me feeling all sorts of ways.

So, let’s talk anti-depressants. I was prescribed 25mg of Sertraline aka Zoloft. I only took the pills for a week and then I completely stopped them. Why? Because of the god damn side effects. I was having anxiety before but on the pills, it was constant paranoia, my chest hurt, I was on edge, and feeling terrible. It is hard to explain the feelings when you are on drugs that manipulate the chemicals in your brain. So here are the side effects for me:

·      Dry mouth

·      Diarrhea

·      Lack of sleep

·      Waking up with more anxiety than usual

·      Fast heartbeat

·      Intense depressive episodes followed with uncontrollable crying

·      And the worst of all, suicidal thoughts

I knew something was off when my brain went to that dark place again. I immediately stopped taking the pills. The whole week on Zoloft was pure torture, something I will truly never forget.

The week after I stopped taking the pills, I was at my highest high. I was… super happy? I had no anxiety, and I could finally breathe again. Life felt super amazing. Probably because, it was such a contrast to how Zoloft was making me feel. But I was also super emotional, small things would trigger me or make me cry. My mind was at a fragile state. At this point in time I heavily focused on going on morning runs, and meditating. And both those things helped me tremendously.

Let’s fast forward to now. Not going to lie, this whole month of June has been a struggle. After that traumatizing week of Zoloft I swore off anti-depressants. But now I am like “maybe those ones were not the right ones for me”. I personally want to give other medications another try, but I’m terrified. A month after taking Zoloft, I am back to where I was previously. Except its more depressive episodes than anxiety. Also, actually feeling “dead inside”. There is this constant desire to disappear and to not exist. Rationally, I know this is not right, like I have goals to achieve, things to do, and people to live for. But the mind thinks otherwise. I know I am going to get through this, I have to. And this blog has become longer than I expected. But it feels damn good to write.

Dear reader, don’t you worry. I will be fine or as Jonathan Van Ness would say “You are strong, you’re a Kelly Clarkson song, you got this.” Heh. Anyone else watch The Queer Eye? Best fucking show am I right???

Anyways, I am tired and shall try to get some sleep. If you have any questions/comments, feel free to leave them down below or even email me, I will be more than happy to reply to you. Alight good night.


Signing out.